Play it by the ear; beat the drum and dance to your own tune; there is no formula for relationships, just do you. If he craps on your yard, just flush him out; you have nothing to lose…….

“What do you want?” Romeo asked, about my view on us. “What do you mean?” I inquired rather sheepishly. He was referring to the rules that will center and solidify our union. The ‘I’ and ‘U’ to an ‘US’ and ‘WE’, and in one breath he emphasized how he wasn’t interested in a relationship, simply put a no strings attached contract. He laid it out on the table, crystal clear, he made the bed, threw the ball in my court and it was up to me to decide. The rule was that if I had any intention of riding this wave that I should be very much aware of where he stood and that I shouldn’t have any expectations of a relationship. To him it was about enjoying the fruits without the strenuous, exhausting, sweat trickling exercise of managing a relationship. The new age form of relationships is about drafting and crafting rules to avoid disappointments and heartache, a ‘protective reflex’ so to speak. It’s about building that wall around our fragile, tormented hearts. Romeo and I hardly got off first base however I’m reminded of him after coming across an article from a magazine publication about the importance of cementing rules for bae within a relationship.

The article highlighted the importance of drafting rules for a fruitful and meaningful relationship, so that bae is kept on the straight and narrow. I’m a firm believer of boundaries but rules on the other hand are, strenuous. Relationships take two to tango, no routine the same, choreography difficult to master and some of us have two left feet. However once we master the routine after countless toe stamping the rule book is thrown out the window as we have grasped, comprehend and have perfected the dance. The boundary is clearly defined, steps are on key and our hips glide, synchronistically to the beat.

As a result in my opinion relationship are guided more so by boundaries rather than rules. Boundaries are the basic underlying layers that are in keeping with embracing my space, by respecting I, affording me the certain degree of trust and respect by towing the line. It is hardly about, don’t do this or don’t do that but rather by you loving I, you do so with a certain degree of dogma and empathy. Love requires no rule book ask any guy bitten by the love bug, this guy will recite mushy poems, act gallantry and watch reruns of Grey’s anatomy with his lady. I will be that ‘PEC’ in respect he flexes and together we will be the ‘US’ in trust.

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I fail to comprehend our fixation of rules as woman we tend to fester insecurities and we reliant on our significant other to guide the compass to our happily ever after. We find ourselves writing up rule books setting forth commandments to a healthy union that’s free from the so called dramatifications; of side chicks, baby mama dramas, and exes.

Schooling bae on how to keep me happy is taxing. It reminds me of my young days where my parents used to wag the finger to reprimand me but it always fell on deaf ears. What I’m insinuating is that we engrave rules and regulations to guide cupids arrow on our relationships however surely we fooling ourselves.

Relationships in truth are work in progress, it requires time, commitment, trust and respect, should these elements be tainted in anyway however stable the foundation appears to be, the pillars tumble down right before our very eyes. Irrespective of how often we try to iron out the creases, these fundamental anomalies are thus like a broken glass; difficult to mend. We can tell bae to lay off the ex, tell him to keep a leash on baby mama or not overshare on social media. Yes I get it, it takes two to tango and for a relationship to work we have to meet each other half way, and the inscription rules assists us in running this ship smoothly, however in truth it’s just a mere textbook case of Shakespearean trilogies.

Love is complicated and exciting however making a relationship work on the other hand is work in progress and it requires a pragmatic approach and a stable man who loves his woman hardly needs a rule book or better yet a relationship bible. The question is do we want him to stay or stray? Surely if there’s a baby mama in the picture he will love you enough to paint the finer lines with love and respect. I’m a baby mama and my baby daddy and I respect each other enough to know that our relationship, is for the betterment of our daughter. That our daughter doesn’t feel excluded from the usual daddy and mummy relationship experienced by other kids. So when you voice your concerns about bae putting his baby mama before you, at times it’s not about you it’s about his kid.

It’s all pretty interesting really how we write up rules, and as women we are experts in mastering the art of lists and ticking up boxes and we wonder why they stray to the hands of the other woman. We told we always complaining however when a man uses that expression I have tended to unmask this to mean I deserve better and should I be reprimanded for voicing my concerns on a particular matter in our relationship, then it means there’s a deeper problem at hand and certain elements need to be addressed.

We forget that though we are in a bubble of modernism some of us are still enslaved to the patriarchal society that’s drenched in traditional and conservative layers and having a rule book for bae to follow is a bit of a challenge. Love is strong enough to keep a relationship together, it keeps the union firmly bonded and stable and able to withstand the negative forces on the attack but within a traditional structures such can’t be said. There’s polygamy, patriarchy and misogynism how will we expect bae to follow such commandments laid down for him, surely for such to happen certain elements should be addressed first.

Understandable, it may be that we at least trying to correct our mother’s past imbalances but compiling a rule book is hardly the answer.  Yes, I agree, at times men need to be schooled on the expected and acceptable ways of treating a woman. However this chemical reaction is deeper and addressing the problem on the surface hardly eradicates the stigma of purifying the sacrosanct fibers weaving the sensitive quilt of relationships, enslaving our society.

Thus before you cross the t and dot the i on your rule book, ask yourself one question, “is he worth the effort?” cause in my opinion relationships shouldn’t be exhausting, emotionally draining and love shouldn’t hurt. Because love is kind, love is gentle, love is respectful and love is above all understanding.

 

Picture credit – kovla.com

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